Cwabs!


  1. "Wait, Harry!" Hermione uttered quickly. "There’s something you should know."

    "What is it?" Harry queried questioningly.

    "My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."

    "But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"

    "Voldemort doesn’t care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don’t like lions!"

  2. ☛ Woman Rewriting Harry Potter Into Conservative Christian Tale So Her Kids Don't Turn Into Witches | Geekologie

    EDIT: YOU MUST READ THIS. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT READ THIS YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHEN I COMMENT  ”The dark hair on his pale chest was neatly trimmed but still noticeably thick; and he wore elegant, black leather shoes on both of his feet.” ON YOUR POSTS.

    (break)

    Oh god. This is almost as good as My Parents Open Carry.

    Here, have an excerpt:


    “Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,” Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.

    Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. “Saved? Don’t tell me you are you one of those Christians?”

    Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid’s smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger’s face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that…

    "Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly. "Are you?"

    Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. “We are too smart for that. Haven’t you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?”

    "What is a Christian?" Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.

    "Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"

    Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

    "Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."

    Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”

    Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

    "Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

    "Well then prove it!"

    Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

  3. ☛ The Pentecostal Serpent — THE BITTER SOUTHERNER

    The Bitter Southerner is KILLING IT these days. Today: snake-handling churches.

  4. beatonna:


the fact that this is to the tune of “Oh How They Did Firk It” seems spot on to me.
Jerk it and Ferk it

That’s not how you dance the Jerk It and Ferk It, people. That’s clearly the Electric Slide, Circular Version.

    beatonna:

    the fact that this is to the tune of “Oh How They Did Firk It” seems spot on to me.

    Jerk it and Ferk it

    That’s not how you dance the Jerk It and Ferk It, people. That’s clearly the Electric Slide, Circular Version.

  5. Number 45: Al Gore.
They’re approaching the end over at Veeptopus, and you’ll want to get in on the action before Dick Cheney and Joe Biden hit.

    Number 45: Al Gore.

    They’re approaching the end over at Veeptopus, and you’ll want to get in on the action before Dick Cheney and Joe Biden hit.

  6. someauthorgirl wrote...

    "Galts Gulch" sounds like a place in of the special morality play episodes from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, like Bubbleland, where we learned valuable and simple life lessons before we were 5. (Am I the only person who remembers those? I even remember the song, "There's Never Any Trouble Here In Bubbleland." OF COURSE THERE IS TROUBLE IN BUBBLELAND.)

    And in the quick of the night
    They reach for their moment
    And try to make an honest stand
    But they wind up wounded, not even dead
    Tonight in Bubbleland

    (Clarence Clemons solo)

  7. ☛ How A Libertarian Paradise In Chile Fell Apart

    the-feature:

    Two years after Galt’s Gulch Chile was founded, the utopian project is mired in personal and legal conflicts and investors now claim that the guy in charge is a sociopath and a con man.

    Libertarians being scammed by a con man? I’m SHOCKED!

  8. runonsentencesaboutemotions:

    beefranck:

    doorhingeteeth:

    heterophobicgoat:

    stupidandreckless:

    NOOOO NO NO NONO FUCK FUCK  FUCKIG CBS IS TELLING WOMEN NOT TO REPORT SEXUAL HARASSMENT BECAUSE IT WILL “DAMAGE THEIR CAREERS” and “HARASSMENT IS AN UNFORTUNATE PART OF CLIMBING THE LADDER” I AM SO ANGRY THEY ARE LITERALLY TURNING SEXUAL HARASSMENT INTO A NORM THIS IS NOT OKAY

    This is an actual article and I’m still having a hard time believing it’s real.

    WHAT THE ACTUAL. SINGLE. FUCK.

    In fact, if you have a strategy, enduring sexual harassment can be a way to gain power to achieve your long-range goals.”

    At least it was published in 2011 and not today. Thankfully, Penelope Trunk doesn’t give women career advice professionally.

    What’s that…?

    That IS her job…

    Welp…

    Her other articles include “A Salary Gap Between Men and Women: Oh Please.” and “The Best Skill Women in The Workplace Can Learn? Fellatio.”

  9. These switch plates apparently have “too much character” for our house, but if anyone reading this would like one or both of them, drop your mailing address into the ask box and I’ll send them to you to add some penis-based humor to your home or office*.



    • Installing one of these in your office could be grounds for a sexual harassment suit.
  10. One thing they don’t tell you about getting older is that the number of places you can cut yourself while shaving increases significantly.

    One thing they don’t tell you about getting older is that the number of places you can cut yourself while shaving increases significantly.