Thank you for responding so quickly to my email. I know that you’re a busy…
Wait. I don’t remember ever sending you an email. This is just another trick to get me to give you more money, isn’t it?
Sorry, man. I have a budget and I do my best to stick to it, so you’re just gonna have to learn to live with the allowance I give you. You can’t be hitting me up for extra cash just because your rich friends get to do all the “fun things” like have dressage horses and oxycontin parties.
Really, though, you shouldn’t be hanging with those guys at all. Remember, Ted Knight was the villain in Caddyshack.
It’s important to know something else, as well. You talk about all the commercials I’ve seen? Netflix. Tivo. Sorry man—life’s too short to watch commercials. You should put up a billboard with an oil-soaked pelican and some quote from Romney about wanting to open up offshore drilling off the coast of Virginia and North Carolina. Then another quote from the Koch Brothers that says simply “Yaaaaaaaaay.” Cheap, effective, gets the message across.
Once I see THAT, we’ll see about increasing your allowance. Now go have fun!